October 08, 2002 @ 5:27 pm
damn.

she didn't call. :-(

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October 08, 2002 @ 3:47 pm
no signs of pain? hah.

i'm sitting in the middle of the computer lab under the library, and i can't stop crying. i don't know why.

no signs of pain on repeat. ((grass underneath fingernails, as they tear through your skin, leaving no signs of pain.))

no signs of pain. except the scratches all over my arms.

erin, i love her dearly, is getting me another bottle of vodka for this weekend. mike and i are most likely getting a hotel room for after the dance, and i'm going to get wasted as hell. he doesn't like drinking. it makes him mean. so that just means more for me.

moreno is booked solid until the twentyfirst. which is not good.

and my batteries just ran out. also not good.

i miss jenn. a lot. i do hope she calls soon. i have nothing to do til 6. and no music.

[sigh] i'm hungry. this SUCKS. i don't have any money, and if jenn calls then i can get over to my mom's house and get my money for this weekend. therefore i would be able to get something to eat. i haven't eaten since... sunday? whatever. it's been a while. and it's not because there isn't any food in the house. it's because i sleep through meals (my short lived naps) and when i wake up, i'm just too lazy and exhausted to get out of bed and get something to eat. either way, i'm hungry.

i guess guido wasn't here today. and erin and tarin just left. so, i'm stuck here. it's four twenty. heh.

alright, i'm going to stop wasting space. i'm going now.

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October 08, 2002 @ 3:27 pm
how weightless they must be. (without feeling.)

this heavy heart weighs me down. breathe in. breathe out. an infinite, unknown sadness overtakes me, i know not why or how. my eyes ache and burn from lack of sleep. quiet. this silence screams in my ears. i can't focus. everything is dulled around the edges, blurred in some sick halo. black around the edges. no concentration, on that which is whirling around me. breathe in. breathe out. mustn't forget to breathe. regret sinks in deep. i sit here, numb, in disbelief of my own stupidity. (((what have i done. what have i done. what have i done.))) the silence will not stop.

((standing in front of you. they fade into the walls. and leave behind nothing. nothing at all. and no i don't understand. how to forget. someone just passes by. and take what they can get. ///no i don't understand how weightless they must be. without feeling. without feeling. without feeling./// and grass beneath fingernails. as they tear through your skin. leaving no signs of pain.))

//breathe in. breathe out.//

(i. musn't. forget. to. breathe.)

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October 08, 2002 @ 1:40 pm
the darkness stayed.

i have something to say here, but i have to go to archaeology, to an exam i haven't been in class to learn/study for.

i hope i see my jenny lynn today. i miss her dearly. and i'm hoping i might smile today. small chance. but i might be able to pull it off.

lay down and cry. lay down and die.

i was sick of looking at myself on the layout. the black had to leave.

but the darkness stayed.

the darkness stayed.

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October 08, 2002 @ 10:27 am
failing again. i can't fucking do anything right.

the computer is dead again. mike is calling tech support tonight, to get the THIRD hard drive for the computer.

i got one cd burnt last night though.

atticus fault, azure ray, bright eyes, coldplay, death cab for cutie, fiona apple, juliana theory, pedro the lion, pete yorn, saves the day and voices on the verge.

i don't have anything important to write about, and life is dull.

i'm dropping my math class. and i talked to my advisor, and he said i should probably go back to my psychologist. [sigh] so i called him, and he's calling me back at eleven.

the last time i called him like this, i ended up in inpatient.

for some reason, i can't seem to get myself out of bed in the morning. (it could be that i have a horrible time falling asleep. and then once i am asleep, i have a horrible time staying asleep.) my appetite is gone, stomach aches, headaches, increased destructive behavior, etc.

just emailed jenn...

i miss you. a lot. i hope you call me tonight, i want to see you. but of course, you aren't going to get this email til later on tonight, if at all. but i just wanted to say this anyway. mike's computer is dead, so the only time i really get to be online is at school. [sigh] things aren't going that well. rather, well at all. i talked to my advisor, and i told him what was going on. i'm probably going to drop my math class in about 15 minutes, and i called my shrink, to see if i could get an appointment for tomorrow. (yea. we all remember the last time i called him for an appointment like this.) :- i'm miserable, and i don't know why. i feel like smashing things, it's terrible, i'm angry for no apparent reason. like crying, like... i hate this. [sigh] well, it's time to go talk to my math professor... nobody knows that i'm doing this badly in school, that i'm dropping my math class, etc etc. this fucking sucks, i gotta go. i love you baby. i really do. xoxoErin.

i need to go.

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