(creatively. that is.)

geoff. the dress you told me about. it stuck in my mind. and i have elaborated on it. i think imight be able to make a pattern for it soon.

but you see. i don't really want to talk to you tonight. i'm almost afraid of what i'd say.

after last night. i'm seriously questioning my fucking sanity. (and yours too. i wonder who is wrong.)

but you told angie. (me, really) and i quote.

Charon678 (10:09:14 PM): tell her i am coming to Moline to kill her with a shovel
Charon678 (10:09:20 PM): ;-)
xxsoangelsfallxx (10:09:29 PM): *raises an eyebrow*
Charon678 (10:09:51 PM): i will leave the part out about raping her dead body
xxsoangelsfallxx (10:10:30 PM): :-
Charon678 (10:10:35 PM): i hate her
Charon678 (10:10:37 PM): i hate that bitch
Charon678 (10:10:43 PM): dammit i am so angry
Charon678 (10:10:51 PM): *pounds the table*

how do you expect me to ignore that? do you want me to just say "oh he was angry.. he wouldn't really do that.." christ geoff. that is a major sign of an abusive relationship. [smack on the forehead] why didn't i do something sooner? people have been telling me this was a bad relationship for a long time. and i never believed it. i made excuses. (he's had a bad time lately. he just started college, there's a lot of stress. things aren't quite right with his parents, and it's rubbing off on him. etc etc) i explained it like this: you guys got sick of hearing about him. so the only time you would hear anything about him was when i was upset. when i came to school crying, or i looked like i hadn't slept all weekend, and my eyes were all red from crying.

and i... justified your behavior. i told myself it will get better. and this is only temporary.

[bangs head on desk]

i could have done something sooner. i could have broken up with him sooner. and i wouldn't be dealing with all of this now. i wouldn't have been doubting him like i had. i wouldn't have been nervous. i would have been clear headed. i would have been calm.

oh god. doesn't this rant sound familiar. :-( fucking christ. i'm gonna go.

((well it’s time to wake up and separate feelings that i keep falling into. each seem like good reasons, that i feel i might break down.))

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September 10, 2002 @ 11:02 am
i've really done it this time. (and no geoff, i'm not really proud of myself.)

angie is fake. i made her up. xxsoangelsfallxx (aim. and @yahoo.com) are fake. i never even went to california. that was a ruse to get geoff riled up. and it worked. in fact. while i was supposedly out in california, i really met kim here in moline as she was on her way home.

(confusing shit alert. i'm going to refer to everyone in third person, for sanity's sake.)

i was talking with geoff as angie so i could find out what was going on, when geoff wouldn't talk to me as erin. and the night i talked to angie was really an hour long conversation with myself. in case geoff asked to see any of the text. and last night, i really went overboard with this. geoff asked angie if she would talk erin into going into chat. so i had two chat windows open on the same screen, and i would switch back and forth. geoff and erin were talking/fighting, and angie was attempting to moderate, though every once in a while, she would go to one side or the other.(after a while, in that chat, i confused myself so badly that i left for a minute or two.)

and... i really didn't even plan on telling geoff. ever. but we were fighting last night, and it came out and i covered my mouth after i said it because i thought i could take it back. but i had already hit send. and... damn.

talking to geoff as angie, i found out a lot of things. like he threatened to kill me. and he already said that erin and geoff were over.

i also got into his email. and found things i wish i hadn't. he made me doubt him. i had to confirm all these thoughts/fears etc. i wish i hadn't.

he wants to talk tonight, but i won't be home til really late and i still have a huge art project to work on. so i told him wednesday night.

i've confused myself. and that's really bad. so. uhm. if you aren't scared out of your mind, and you still want to read the pshycotic melodrama that is my life, go ahead and sign the guestbook.

i wont' be too surprised if you don't.

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before and after