i remember going to school. not wanting to be in ancient and medival history. i probably fell asleep like i usually did. waking up and dragging my feet to varsity band. sitting down and screwing around, talking to jen like always. bell rings. "sit down. you guys! sit down!" it was like this every day. me and jen were still talking, and people were shouting across the room when the PA came on. we didn't hear the beginning of the announcements. (there were daily announcements usually within 5 minutes of the start of 2nd period. we never listened to them.)all of a sudden, the schwag (yes. we called him that) said "everyone SHUT UP!!!" and we all fell silent. "...was hit at 745am eastern time. both towers have collapsed. there are also unconfirmed reports from washington that the pentagon has been hit..." "HOLY SHIT!" someone yelled out. "shut up and listen" (schwag again) "...all air traffic has been stopped. this is suspected to be a terrorist attack on the united states of america..." [whispers rise throughout the room] "dammit you guys, shut up" (we shut up for good then. he never swears.) the principal continued on. the plane crash in pennsylvania. school is closed tomorrow. people were starting to cry. there were kids in my class that had friends, family, loved ones in new york. not knowing what else to do, we went outside and did the marching drill for the day. (we had a parade coming up.)

i remember hearing planes overhead. looking up. they were fighters. cringe. thinking "what about the arsenal?" panic attack. rumors. RIA was high on the list. lock downs. all sorts of things.

third period, girls locker room. absolute silence. confirmation of pentagon attack. girls completely stopped. it didn't matter if they were in mid sentence of who got laid by who or who was cheating on their best friend. it didn't matter if they were nearly naked. everyone froze. i was angry. sad. confused. we just wandered around the gym. walked outside. dazed.

fourth period. lunch. i think i tried to call geoff from a payphone, and he didn't answer. i sat and contemplated what the future would be like.

THEN. at 1120. i FINALLY saw new york. pennsylvania. DC. and i broke down. right there in the middle of chem. i tried to call from the class phone. phone lines down. panic. (the arsenal is a large employer of civilians in the area. phones down at the arsenal=mass panic.) ran out. i didn't knwo what to do. i'd left for school angry as hell at my mom, because she didnt leave any lunch money. (it seems so fucking trivial now. but i had called before i left to say "hey, you didn't leave any fucking lunch money, what the hell?" and we'd yelled at each other. i felt really bad.) i went to the bathroom and cried. and i wasn't the only one in there. i threw up, and sat in the bathroom for about twenty minutes.

when i finally came back to class, it was almost over. i sat and watched them replay the crashes. over. and over. and over. and the buildings falling. from every angle. again. and again. i was numb.

in fifth period, i got a message from mom. 'take the bus home or get a ride with someone. i won't be able to pick you up.'

and i don't remember too much else. discussion turned to terrorism throughout the day. i couldn't believe it. english. math. everything was abandoned. even my pottery teacher had a moment of silence at the beginning of every class period.

after school, i saw jen again. she looked.. distraught. we hugged, and i think we cried more. i felt helpless. but. i felt safe in her arms, a feeling i never thought i'd feel again.

i came home, and i sat on the couch. glued to the television. osama bin laden. taliban. afghanistan. terrorism. acts of war. thousands possibly dead.

i sat in bed all night. unable to move. i remember talking to geoff. and i think he called, because it was our 10 month anniversary. and i remember crying on the phone, i'm pretty sure it was to geoff... that i was scared out of my mind. i was afraid of a draft. of him getting sent to war. i was paranoid. i was incredibly paranoid.

i didn't sleep. i saw the flames. and smoke. and the ash everywhere like snow. i saw the people running. and crying. and mourning those they could not yet find.

i didn't sleep the next few nights. and when i passed into unconsciousness, ( and yes, there is a distinct difference between sleep and unconsciousness) i saw that which haunted my mind, even as my eyes were open.

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September 11, 2002 @ 7:50 am
it all feels like yesterday.

today would have been twentytwo months. we didn't last two years.

i am... not really thinking straight.

i can't believe it's been a year. i still see that footage in dreams, in nightmares. footage of the planes crashing. of buildings falling. of people screaming and running in the streets. of body parts lying in random places. of huge dust clouds rising, like a volcanic explosion. of fires. of the pentagon in flames. (i had a friend that worked there. she was MIA for a while, and we were scared shitless) the smashed airplane in that field in pennsylvania. and how i was scared out of my mind that the rock island arsenal was next. i imagine the screams in my head. i imagine the sounds the buildings made as they fell. i have a very active imagination. and its making me sick.

september eleventh. twothousandone. september twelfth. complete and utter shock. (septtwelve.) love2angels.

i really don't know what else to say.

i'm at a loss. and i feel really fucking alone. so. :-( yeah. it's been a year.

and my heart goes out to everyone who lost someone. (i would say those affected. but everyone was affected.)

where were you when you heard? sign the guestbook. i'm curious.

second period. varsity band. my junior year of high school. announced over the PA. nobody could comprehend what had happened. so we went out, and finished the marching drill for the day. third period. girls locker room. i've never seen/heard that many girls fall that silent that quickly. jaws open. eyes wide. in utter disbelief. everyone just walked around. fourth period. i finally saw footage of the crashes. (this is getting to be eleven AM already. and i hadn't seen anything.) i panic. mom's on the island (as we call it, the rock island arsenal is a major landmark here in the quad cities.) all the phone lines are down. so i'm having a fit, right there in the middle of chemistry. i ask to go to the bathroom. and i throw up and cry and come back twenty minutes later.

and it all feels like yesterday.

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before and after