i'm tired, i've been listening to bright eyes for a solid twelve hours and i'm not feeling any better.

it's like being numb, but with one difference. it hurts.

and. my latest project is based on bright eyes lyrics, i hope my art teacher likes it. he really doesn't like me. he told me i wasn't gonna go anywhere. i walked out of class with tears in my eyes and returned twenty minutes later to evil stares and scared looks, like i was going to kill all of them with the boxcutter in my purse.

(i wanted to though.)

i should be working on my art project, but instead, after school i came home and fell asleep. and i was supposed to go art supply shopping today. i think i have court on friday.

i know you've been here. i'm watching my site meter.

i need something new. i need to get away.

i've been saying that too long, i've been lying too long, and it's getting me nowhere. all i'm doing is sitting in this basement and listening to sad music and wishing i hadn't let go!

letting go is an evil i didn't realize i had committed.

maybe it was too soon for things to have happened like they did. maybe i met him too early. i was only fifteen. what if i had met him two years later? what if i had been older? wiser? more cynical? more mature?

(you will be getting really sick of the 'melodramatic' entries very soon here. i'm doubting my worth/life/actions/words now. and that's a dangerous thing for a girl with a half a bottle of vodka and a place to drink alone.)

i can't stop listening to "the center of the world" and "the calendar hung itself" and these are dangerous songs, because i'm feeling so fucking low and how did i get here to this place, so low i can't see light or any signs of life i'm rambling and i don't fucking care anymore and this is what happens when i can't think straight anymore. I JUST WANT YOU TO FUCKING REALIZE HOW MUCH IT HURTS WHEN YOU SAY 'I MISS YOU.' because i miss you too, i hurt more than you know and im so sick of crying and feeling alone, but then again you were right when you said it's better to be alone and not have anyone than to be alone with someone far away, because i can always find someone new, but i don't want anyone new, i want you, i want what we had, i miss what we had, even if i tell everyone otherwise, that's my tough girl facade i'm really crumbling instead and i'm sick of punctuation, and i dont want to end this sentence because then i'll have to go to bed alone and dream of you and i can't do that anymore because it hurts too fucking much and i'm sick of hurting, though i think i've said that before i hope you understand what you're doing to me, i know you read this still though i doubt you really read, it's more like skimming for your name and i wish i knew what you were thinking because i miss talking to you and i miss having a connection with someone that was above words and above actions, and all i would have to do is look in your eyes and you would melt and i would melt and everything would be happy again what happened to that (?) when did we lose that bond we thought was conrete and everlasting i long to have that back and i know we never will, and now i'm feeling empty and something close to numb and i'm something close to tears all the time and i'm sorry for being like this, and i'm sorry for missing you and i'm sorry for lying to you and i'm sorry i did everything wrong and i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry I'M FUCKING SORRY i fucked up this time, i fucked up big time and i'm sorry for being everything you couldn't stand and i'm sorry i couldn't change and i'm sorry for being a smart ass and challenging you i was just standing my ground and WHERE THE HELL DID I GO WRONG SOMEONE PLEASE FUCKING TELL ME WHERE I WENT WRONG tell me what i did wrong, please.

the sentence is over. and now i get to go back to that cold bed, and wrap myself around bunched up sheets and feel sorry for myself and follow my tears to the pillow in a restless and hopefully dreamless sleep.

(i'm sorry that was so jumbled. i needed to get it all out.)

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September 16, 2002 @ 9:35 pm
you don't have to.

you don't have to pretend to care.

(((when you drive home to your place from that job that makes you sleep back to the thoughts that keep you awake long after night has come to claim any light that still remains in the corner of the frame that you put around her face. two pills just weren’t enough. the alarm clock is going off but you are not waking up. this isn’t happening. it is.)))

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before and after