Someone’s wearing your cologne in math class today, it’s all I can smell right now, it’s all around me, it’s all I can breathe. I feel like I’m breathing you in all over again, and oh god I miss you right now. That scent… lying in your bed and all curled up in your arms, that scent is evoking all kinds of memories and I’m lost I tell you, lost in everything I’ve been trying to forget. Running up to you in Columbus for the first time, dropping my painting and nearly smashing the scarlet red rose you brought for me and you were wearing sunglasses so I couldn’t see your eyes and burying my face in your shoulder and your leather jacket, nearly in tears, though I was just so fucking happy to see you again. Meeting your parents for the first time (and I miss them too) and I kept looking for the smell of your cologne, because that meant you were near me and when you’re near me I’m happy, and happy is a hard thing for me to be but nothing mattered but you and me, you and me, US, that was the center of my world, and I’ll be really honest, as far as I was concerned the whole world could have disappeared and I wouldn’t noticed. (ALL OF THIS BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS WEARING YOUR COLOGNE TODAY IN MATH CLASS) you’ve worn that every time I’ve seen you, the first time I went to Columbus. Prom. July and August. Chicago, both Novembers, the very first time I met you. Our one year anniversary. My first time in Cleveland, and last July. Even when we were fighting, I would smell your cologne I would feel at home and I couldn’t stay mad at you, and that’s just what you do to me. I FUCKING MISS YOU. And I can’t explain why. I want to tell you how I feel, but I’m afraid to. Because then I’m the weak one I don’t want to be weak, I was to be strong and stick by my word, that I wouldn’t get back together with you. That I would stay away. But I can’t. You’re like wine, like some unreal drug that addicts and twists and blinds, and fills me with an incredible euphoria that is unparalleled by anything I have yet experienced. (ALL OF THIS BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS WEARING YOUR COLOGNE TODAY IN MATH CLASS) it hit me, hard, a wave of emotion mixed with this scent from my memories, and, (are we surprised) I nearly cried, I almost had to walk back out of the room. But I didn’t, I came in and sat down and blinked back tears, salt filled my eyes till it burned, my eyes already red from last night, crying myself to sleep yet again. (((does he kiss your eyelids in the morning as you start to raise your head? And does he sing to you incessantly from the space between your bed and walls?))) I won’t talk to you online, because I always say something wrong. I always get to a certain point in conversation and freeze; I lose my words and become a bumbling idiot, a form I despise. I’m sorry I don’t talk to you, believe me, I want to. And even now, as I’m writing this letter to you that you’ll probably never read, I’m freezing up, and I can’t think. You do incredible things to me. I hope you know that. I hope you know you give me butterflies. You make me dizzy. You make me weak in the knees. And when I’m in your arms, there’s nothing wrong and the world could fall away and I wouldn’t care. (((does he know the spot below your neck is your favorite to be touched? And does he cry through broken sentences, like, “I love you far too much”))) I miss your lips on mine, I miss the way you kissed me, I miss the way you made me feel. (((how do you do it, make me feel like you do, how do you do it, it’s better than I ever knew))) I miss you. And it hurts. It hurts more than I ever realized it would. I never knew. I wish I could kiss you one last time. (all of this because someone was wearing your cologne today in math class.)

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September 17, 2002 @ 7:55 am
this fucking blows.

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before and after