i couldn't wait to forget you. i looked down, and the knife caught my eye. and i just didn't bother stopping myself this time. it's just too much work anymore.
(((time alone is good, i spend my days in the city, dirty neighborhood, you know you’ll never convince me, so i sold the town away, i couldn’t wait to forget you, i was killed in half a day, i hadn’t time to regret you, and i was waiting over here for life to begin, i was looking for the new thing, and you were the sunshine heading my front line, i was alone you were just around the corner from me. i, i’m still on the chain, and you, had the same last name, as a joke i sent a bottle of whiskey, as you choked, you said it made you feel dirty...)))
weak. i want to keep talking to him. [sigh] choke on my words, make me feel dirty... i want him to try to talk to me, and have me be the one to turn him down. i need to prove to myself that i'm not weak.
but i am, because i know i'll say "hi" right back.
i have wounds to tend to and a lifetime to feel sorry for myself. so i'm gonna go.
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September 21, 2002 @ 1:27 am
which is the lesser evil?
flaksd'f a,fa/s.,fm a';l fkw'eroi qp[eroiqdkfja'lf m/l,m'a;lfiapoiap]reiqe
i am fucking torturing myself.
(((stop thinking erin, completely stop any train of thought. you will feel better. promise.)))
bah! i'm fucking downloading music from the cd his mom gave me for christmas! make me fucking stop this... i just realized that.
[clenches teeth] why do i do this to myself? [bites bottom lip] glutton for punishment, i suppose.
i am trying to keep my hands busy, with art or code or these diaries of mine. i have to keep my fingers busy.
there is a VERY good reason for that. namely the x-acto knife directly in front of me. i'm trying very hard to not cut. please understand this. someone try to understand.
i don't expect you to understand.
and i know you are past the point of caring about these self destructive tendencies of mine. (he knows who he is.) but i'm not saying he has to read this anymore. he's doing that on his own. that is his choice.
[lays head down on the desk and starts to cry]
in the end, i don't know what is worse. living without you near me, or trying to live without you in my life.
i don't know what is worse.
logically, it would be easier for me to live without him at all. because i could find someone else. theoretically, that works. but this, this is not living. this is trying to exist, without something to look forward to.
what's worse to you? which is the lesser evil?
[shakes head] i'm fucking lost.
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