i can't fucking believe it. oh my GOD! motherfucking sonofabitch.
rob fucking beat up jen.
and i'm JUST now hearing about this! ugh. nobody fucking talks to me anymore, NOBODY FUCKING TELLS ME ANYTHING. i feel really fucking bad.
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September 24, 2002 @ 4:03 pm
party for josh, money money money, and failing tests.
i know i didn't do well on my eastern civ test either. (that might be attributed to the fact that i was up til about 5 am) i finally gave up on my math test when, nearly an hour into it, i'd only gotten 5 problems done and i was sure they were all wrong.
i start tutoring tomorrow.
also tomorrow: i'm getting two hundred dollars from my mom. well... oneforty, because i owe her sixty for the art supplies she bought me last week. subtract fiftyfive for that fine i have to pay off.. and i have eightyfive dollars to with what i please. (i will probably give twenty to my brother, it is his birthday on saturday, and he's trying to save up for a new paintball gun...) so sixty five.
which brings me to my next order of business. josh. he was going out with this guy named jeremy. and josh was waaay into this guy. like head over heels, and josh NEVER lets himself fall in love. ever. jeremy's moving to milwaukee. apparently, jeremy is moving with an exboyfriend of his ... that was never really an exboyfriend. ouch. they never really broke up. they just figured they would never see each other again. wrong. supposed ex went over to jeremy's on saturday. and i guess they go way back, because jeremy totally dissed josh over the whole thing. so. this is what i'm doing. i'm calling everyone from the old group. i'm gonna ask for ten bucks, if they can spare it. five would do. and we are going to try to get a room at a hotel, have pizzas delivered and have a couple cases of pop, and we are gonna stay up and watch movies. (note to self, call josh and figure out good movies to rent.) so far i haven't been able to get a hold of anyone, hopefully today after i get my ass off the computer i will call emily and jen, maybe bruce, laurel, grace maybe... i will call more people if josh thinks i should... i wish i knew more of the group's phone numbers.... haha, play phone tree... get everyone to come. seriously. that would be bad ass. josh needs it.. and while i haven't had anyone do this sort of thing for me in a long time, i know what a needed break it can be from the monotony of being alone. (it would probably do me some good as well.)
anyways. i have phone calls to make, so i guess i will catch everyone later.
(((jesus won't you fucking whistle, something but the past and done, why can't we not be sober? i just want to start this over. why can't we drink forever? i just want to start things over.))) for josh, his favorite tool song. heh.
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September 24, 2002 @ 11:28 am
continuation of the failure theme.
that's it, i fucking quit. this is disgusting how pathetic i am, really.
dear saturn, i'm sorry.
i'm really fucking sorry. but it was three in the morning, i couldn't sleep, and i felt so alone that it started suffocating me. so i started crying, and it just wouldn't stop. i tried to sleep, and i ended up staring at the fucking ceiling. (finally fell asleep around five.)
what am i fucking doing here? wasting more of my time. i have a test in easternciv in an hour. i'll probably fail that one too.
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September 24, 2002 @ 3:29 am
like i said. i'm a fucking failure.
i'll try again tomorrow.
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September 24, 2002 @ 2:48 am
failure.
i'm a fucking failure. i am a fucking failure. i did so much to get this far and here i am, falling back into the old habits and failing, falling farther and digging my own fucking grave...
i've started myself crying again, and this is no good, because i still have my razor here in front of me, and i'm running out of styrofoam plate.
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September 24, 2002 @ 2:31 am
bored and insomnia ridden
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